The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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