I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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