Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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