i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
