just tell him i said nine months
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
