i think my mom watched the whole time
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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