walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
