Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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