My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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