dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
