wanna go halves on a baby?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
