drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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