Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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