I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
if only i could text you this smell
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
