So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
