apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
