Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
