My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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