shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
