she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
