i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Randomize
