Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
