I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
