I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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