i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
