I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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