i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My ass is underappreciated
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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