I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
