From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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