Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
