Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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