she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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