Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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