The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
