Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
