don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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