Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
