So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
