All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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