don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
