you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
