Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
