Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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