ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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