oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You can't motorboat a personality
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
