I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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