he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
