if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
