I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
