How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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