Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
