I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
