how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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