Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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